Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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