My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
