Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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