I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
