Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize