she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
