Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
PANTIES FOUND
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
