According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
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I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
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Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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