Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My dad just said "fuck circus"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
