I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
