you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
