They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
