She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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