I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
