He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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