Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.