you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...