and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
