Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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