She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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