Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
