I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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