last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
