Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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