Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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