I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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