uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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