The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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