so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
