Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
