i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
