I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
