I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
