I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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