How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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