I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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