a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
