Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
