YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
