Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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