I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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