Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
