At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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