remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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