During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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