if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
