My sheets look like a crime scene.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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