My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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