You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
