You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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