it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the condom got lost in my hair
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
