note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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