If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think my vagina is haunted
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
