he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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