you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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