I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
